Evidence in his Eyes
by northernaurora
Summary: What would happen if, after Edward came back, Bella was hesitant to let him in her life? Bella is broken, she has been cutting ever since he left. And if she does let Edward back in, what would he think of the cutting? OOC in places.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Bella's POV

**We were back in my room looking into each others' eyes. Edward's were black, which surprised me. Hasn't he had time to feed himself?**

**He had tried to convince me, to take him back, and I had hurt him terribly when I said "Not yet." That was evident in his eyes, too. I was scared. Not that he would hurt me, but that he would hate me.**

"_Bella! Time for school!" Charlie shouted up the stairs. The noise was carried into the bathroom, where I was, dripping red-hot relief onto the ground from my arm, crying. _

_I quickly cleaned up the floor, to get ready for school, and put pressure and gauze around my arm so it wouldn't continue bleeding pulses of me. I put on an enormous amount of concealer, on my eyes but all that did was make them look blotchy and redder. I put on the typical long-sleeved shirt and hurried to my decrepit truck. _

**Would life be different now? Would I make him hate me?**

**He got up out of his chair and came over to me, to my bed. He put each hand one either of my thighs. "Bella," he said, "I will always love you. But if you don't want me now, I can understand that as well. I have hurt you too much. I will keep trying to get you back, don't forget. I am here when you are ready."**

**And he left out of the window just as quickly, just as eloquently, as ever. And I, succumbed to my escape.**

A/N Next chapter up later today. Thanks for reading!


	2. In the middle of the night

Weeks passed since we had any real contact of significance. I sat next to some of my friends in class, and he usually sat alone, in the back of the room. I could feel his eyes, boring into my back. He regained his previous schedule for his classes, which meant we were together most of the time.

I had a feeling he still came during the night when I was asleep. Not because there was any evidence of him doing so, but I knew him.

However, 2 weeks later, I was awoken. Not by Edward I could tell, these hands were much smaller pressing on my back.

"Hmmmmmmmm?" I groaned, not quite coherent. I rolled over, and switched the light next to my bed on.

"Oh!" I shouted. The entire Cullen family, except for Edward, was sitting on various spots on my bed.

"Hi Bella," Alice said. "We just wanted to talk to you. Look, Edward isn't taking this well. Ya know; this whole Bella-wants-me-to-ignore-him thing. As a matter of fact, he's self-loathing. Ask Jasper. We think you should take him back."

"Ok……………………………," I thought about it. "So Alice, as a friend of mine or as a sister of Edwards', are you saying this. In other words, WHY should I take him back? So he can hurt me again?"

Alice was shaking her head before I was finished. "We aren't going anywhere, Bella. I promise."

"Why should I believe you?"

"I suppose you don't have to, Bella. But keep in mind that if Edward were to leave a second time, it word hurt him greatly as well. Why would he put himself and you through it if you both realize it is now unnecessary? Why won't you forgive him?"

Everything that had been bottled up for months came out in frantic sobs. "Look Alice," I choked out, "I still love him. I will always love him. But honestly, even if I were to forgive HIM, why should I forgive YOU? Or why should I forgive ANY of you?" I waved my hand in their direction. "This was still equally your fault. Nobody can make decisions for YOURSELF, Alice, and you CHOSE this fate for me by leaving!" My anger turned to actual tears. "I loved you, Alice. You were my best friend! But now…………"

She was stunned. Her big eyes were too rounded for her small face. The entire family was surprised. "Bella, I don't….know…..what to say. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But Edward is doing very badly, Bella, and you are the only thing that can HELP him. Please, Bella, Please!"

I was too afraid to say no. So I said, "He can have 1 night, Alice, 1 date. It can last all day, or just a couple of hours. And then I decide if I take him back or not."

She graciously agreed. She seemed happier, as did the entire family, and they all came to say goodbye to me before they left outside my window.

Edward met me the next morning, after I had gotten out of my truck. "Good morning," he said. He smiled at me. He looked pretty content. "I would say that I'm sorry about the apparent ambush last night, but Alice at least got you to agree to a date with me."

So that's why he was so happy. He knew. "Yea, I said. She did. I need to know when it is. And where it is."

"It's this Saturday, at a little Italian restaurant in Seattle. I drive- there and back."

"Oh." It was the only thing I could think of. He made small talk with me as he walked me to our English class. I answered him when he asked the occasional question, but I was thinking about how I was planning to pull of wearing a dress when my arms looked like they did. Is there such thing as a long-sleeved dress? Would a shawl work? I would probably end up with a cardigan of some sort, I figured. I'd have to go shopping in Port Angeles this week for one. We both got to English class, and I decided I'd sit with Edward today. He looked please that I had chosen him, but Angela sat alone.

The rest of the day went as such. Edward was pretty content; I was pretty out-of-it thinking about how I was going to hide my arms. I had to think about alternatives to EVERYTHING- pajamas, swimsuits (not that I wore one in front of him often, but I would eventually), etc.

I sat with his family at lunch. Alice looked like she was afraid that someone would say something to upset me, and everyone didn't talk to me that much.

Before I knew it, it was Saturday. I was getting ready to go out, and I put on my newly bought cardigan. But little did I know it, Edward would find out what I did to myself today even with my cardigan on.

A/N It's gonna get better, I promise. I just need to have Edward find out and then it'll get good because I know what to do with the story from there.


	3. Oops, Edward knows

New Moon ch. 3

I slowly and carefully walked down the stairs in my dangerous, non-Bella like heels. My hair fell in loose curls onto my cardigan, and bounced as I walked. I looked up and saw that Edward was already there, talking casually to Charlie. When he saw me, he smiled and beckoned to come closer. I didn't hesitate to oblige.

"Hello," he said. "You look beautiful."

I blushed and stared at my feet. _I don't look beautiful. I never look beautiful anymore. _I said goodbye to Charlie and left the house. Edward was behind me discussing curfew. I tried my hardest not to let the danger tear leave my face. _I'm not beautiful!_ I went to my side of the car and got in. Edward was already walking towards the car, but I turned my head to stare in the other direction. I could only hear a door open and close and the car purr to life.

"How was your Saturday morning?" he asked.

"It was slow. Kind of boring, actually. How was yours?"

"Same."

"How have you been?"

"Super," I answered sarcastically. "It's been a vacation for me." That shut him up. He pursed his lips in a tight line and didn't talk for a few minutes. Edward was determined, though, to make conversation to me and we talked about Books and CD's, something that is an easy subject matter for the both of us, until we got the restaurant in Seattle.

It was beautiful architecture. The ceiling was high and there was painting on the top of it. I have to say, though, it was kind of ironic that he brought me to an Italian restaurant given the previous experience that we had together in Italy. I chuckled at that and Edward gave me a funny look. He went and got our reservation filled, and we were brought back in a little ring of booths. Like Port Angeles! I chuckled again. But this time, Edward looked annoyed and he murmured into my ear "Am I going to be let in on the secret?" I shook my head no.

The date went very well. I couldn't describe it, but it was like I was starting to trust him again. I was hoping that I would take this seriously, though, and not get to into it too quickly. We talked and laughed, and were at that restaurant so long that our waitress started to sweep nearby in an effort for us to leave (A/N I got that off an E-Harmony commercial!) which of course made us laugh harder at our inside joke. We didn't talk about any deep subjects, and I refused to talk about anything I did while he was gone anyways. He didn't want to press it further, I could tell, because I think he was afraid I was going to get angry with him. That was a good call for him.

Before I knew it, we were back at my house, 5 minutes before my curfew, might I add, and he kissed me goodnight and whispered in my ear "I'll be up in your room when Charlie is asleep" and I nodded. I turned around and opened the door to find Charlie watching another game on TV. I told him I was going to hit the sack because I had a lot to do the next day. He didn't seem curious about the date at all. I took a long shower up in the bathroom to get the hairspray out of my hair and make it soft again. The hot water felt refreshing.

I searched for my piece of glass under the sink, after I was done, and make a clear line on both of my arms slowly, for the pain. There was so much I needed to let out- all that frustration that had come between he left and now the way he was acting towards me; like none of it happened. I cried in my wrist until the bleeding stopped.

I hurried back in my room after I put on a pair of sweatshirts and an old ripped up sweatshirt. Edward wasn't there yet, but I knew it would be soon because Charlie was getting ready for bed next door. I picked up my copy of _Oedipus Rex _for my English class and read the reading assignment. Half an hour later, I felt something cold touch my ankles, from where I was propped up in the rocking chair and looked up. It was Edward, naturally, though by this point I wouldn't have been surprised if it were Alice.

"Hey," I said. His eyes eyed me suspiciously. I couldn't help but feel a little nervous, and checked my arms to make sure I HAD put a sweatshirt on. Then I became wary- why was he looking at me like that? I didn't like it. It made me feel like he was thinking something horrible about me.

Then he said what I did not want him to say. "Why does your bathroom smell like blood?"

I was shocked. "Maybe Charlie accidently cut himself while was shaving," I answered. Edward was vehemently shaking his head.

"Don't lie to me, Bella! I want to know RIGHT NOW why your bathroom smells like **your** blood!" I was too shocked to form a rational response. I didn't say anything. Then Edward did the most terrifying thing to me- he pushed me against the rocking chair in a force that could have easily broken the wood, and pulled up the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I tried to fight him, but it was no use. He was a thousand times stronger than me and won easily. He gave me a look of pure astonishment as he looked at my arms. Then his look of astonishment quickly changed to sadness. He dropped my arms, and I pulled the sweatshirt sleeves back down.

"Bella," he began "Sweetheart, you need help"

_No, I wanted to say. No, I don't need help. I'm alright! I'm okay! Leave me alone! You've hurt me, this is YOUR fault! _

I wanted to say that I couldn't. I wanted to say that it wasn't fair that you left me! But all I did was sit there, tears welling and brimming over my eyelids in frantic outbursts.


	4. Horrible Beginning to a Weekend

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I started to ignore Edward. I felt bad about it, but only to an extent. Mostly I was angry with Edward for finding out, even though it was my fault. Every day and every night, he tried to talk to me and I refused to talk to him. He walked me to class and I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to cooperate with his conversations.

One morning, a week after he found out and on a Friday morning, he was walking me from my car to my first block. He was talking as usual, and although he had mostly been using small talk with me on mornings like these, today his conversation actually grabbed my attention.

"I want you to come to my house after school today and stay the weekend," he said, "I have something for you."

I had said, "No, I don't want to. I have things to do."

"No, you don't," he said angrily, "I cleared it with Charlie. You are riding home with me tonight. Alice is taking your car back. We said that you were having a sleepover with Alice"

I didn't want to go, but his voice took that I'm-going-to-win-this-argument tone, which evidently he did. I agreed (against my better knowledge to go home with him). I mean, what's the worst he could do?

He drove me back to his house after school. We didn't say a word to each other, and in the middle of the ride he reached out to hold my hand, and I pulled back. He just looked at me.

"Bella……."

I shook my head, trying not to let tears become of me.

We arrived, and he came to my door and opened it. His gentlemanliness has not been altered, I could tell. I sighed as I climbed out. We walked in the house, and Edward grabbed my arm, despite my thrust to get out of it. He walked me into Carlisle's office, where Carlisle and someone else were seated.

By the way Carlisle looked at me when I walked into the office; it was pretty obvious he knew I was coming. He didn't look surprised at all. But I was surprised to see the other person there. I sat, gaping like an idiot at the both of them. The 'other person,' I noticed, was a man. It was a younger, maybe twenties, wiser-looking man, dressed in business-casual attire, and staring directly at me. What really surprised me was that this man's skin was pale white: he was a vampire!

Edward sat me down on his lap, in the couch on the other side of the room. The man was in a rolly chair directly parallel to where I was sitting, and Carlisle was in his own chair behind the desk.

"Hello, Bella" Carlisle had said.

"Hi," my voice sounded weak and scratchy. I cleared my throat.

"This is Dr. Michaels," Carlisle said. "He lives in northern California only about 1 ½ away (A/N: I wanted to make it somewhere close, but not Forks. I have no idea the actual time). He, like you can tell, is like us……even in feeding, uh, habits. He works a psychiatrist in a hospital there."

Edward was holding me tightly around my waist in his lap. There was no doubt in my mind that he was worried about what I was thinking. I couldn't have gotten away if I wanted to.

"Hi, Bella" Dr. Michaels had said. "I want you to call me by my name, Brandon."

"Hi Brandon," I said nervously.

"So Bella, Carlisle and I are here to help you. Edward tells us that you have been exhibiting a form of Self-mutilation. Could you show me?" He said it so slowly; he must have thought I was slow. He was trying to keep my gaze by smiling at me, to show me something. Edward's arms restricted further; it was clear he was very anxious.

"No," I said. I wasn't going to show him my arms.

Brandon sighed. Carlisle stared at Edward.

"Edward?" it came from Brandon. "Can you please hold her down while I have a look?"

Edward agreed. I was getting scared. I was fidgeting, and trying to get away from Edward. He wasn't having it. He pushed me back against his chest until my ear was in front of his mouth.

"It's okay," he murmured, "Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay!" The more he said it, the more I unsuccessfully struggled to get away from him.

Both Carlisle and Brandon came to be by Edward. I was twisting and he was holding me down. They lifted the sleeves of my shirt to reveal multiple scars on each arm. Some were deeper than others, and they could distinguish the deeper ones from the shallower ones. There were more deep than shallow. They gasped. Edward arms loosened as I stopped struggling against him. There was no reason to anymore. They already saw. Tears brimmed in my eyes. I hopped up quickly, and ran out the door.

"Bella!" Edward was right in front of me, holding his arms out in front of me. He picked me up and carried me into his room.

"No!" I yelled the entire way.

"It's okay, sweetheart, it's alright. It's okay. It's okay. Its okay" He kept repeating soothingly into my ear as I fought him. "Don't fight me anymore, just relax."

He laid me on top of his couch, pressing his weight on top of mine to suppress any of my movement going away from me. "Don't cry anymore!"

I didn't stop crying. It got worse. Edward got more and more anxious, holding me tighter and tighter as I fought to get away.

Carlisle and Brandon came in the room after a couple of minutes. Carlisle was telling Edward something in mind. I could tell. Edward had that look.

Edward pulled me into a sitting position. Brandon came over and lifted my shirt sleeve up on one arm. _Not again!_ I thought! No! I don't want them to see again!

Then I realized they weren't there to look at my scars. Brandon held my arm out straight and Edward pulled me closer into his chest when he realized that I knew what was going on.

Carlisle was sedating me.

"No!" I shouted. "No! No!" Edward just murmured soothing words into my ear, trying to calm me. He started humming my lullaby.

"I hate you! Fuck you! Damn you!" Edward was hurt.

Carlisle inserted the stuff into my arm. I got drowsy. I tried to fight it. Edward murmuring into my ear was the last thing I heard "Its okay now. Don't fight it. Relax now."

And I was gone.


	5. Leaving Edward and a Epiphany for Jacob

When I woke up, I saw that no one was in the room. The room. _Edwards' room. _Damn it! I was still here! I quickly hopped up off of the couch that had a blanket tucked around me, and ran out the door. I paused only a few steps out of his room when I realized that I had a better chance of getting away if I was quiet. I tiptoed back into his room, hoping that I could get out by jumping out his window. Would it really be a horrible fall? Probably. I stood deliberating for a moment, but all hope of finding a way out of the house was lost when Edward walked into the room.

"Bella…." Edward said kindly and pleasantly. "I thought I heard you get up, sweetheart. Brandon left and Carlisle is doing his shift at the hospital. I want you to know that we only decided to sedate you because we didn't want you to be anything less than calm. Brandon and Carlisle will talk to you tonight. Okay? It's all okay now, I promise." He looked straight into my eyes the entire time he was talking, and he talked so sweetly, I could tell, to keep me from being hurt. But I could see that the pain was once again in his eyes. He didn't conceal it well enough.

"No." I said firmly. I did my best to not cry in front of him.

"Excuse me? Bella?"

"I'm not going to see Brandon tonight. I'm not going to see Carlisle tonight. I'm not going to see YOU tonight!" My voice started out calm but ended up hysterical. My voice broke at the end of my sentence,

and my eyes were once again flooded with my own tears.

Edward was stunned. "Sweetie, you need help. Carlisle and Brandon and I- well we can GIVE you that help!"

"I don't want it. I don't want your help. Leave me alone, Edward. Please."

"No!" His eyes looked so hurt and strained I knew he would be crying if he were able. He ran to me and shook my shoulders gently. "Honey, please. Trust me."

"Why should I trust you? Do you realize what you did to me? You come back, after doing this to me-"I was showing him my arms. He gasped in horror and realization. "- and after using this as a way to keep myself alive, you want me to stop? What happens when you leave me again, Edward? Will I be able to USE cutting after I stopped for that short amount of time? What If I can't do it anymore- what if I lose the ability to use this as a release? Edward, this is what's keeping me ALIVE. It's the only way I can FEEL alive or anything like it! I don't feel because I am so numb all the time, Edward. And you act like cutting is some hobby of mine, not that it is what is holding my life to the point of existence at all."

His eyes were closed and his body was tensed. My eyes were cascading mountains of waterfalls over myself, and I was shaking vehemently. I just wanted to leave. I started to move to get around him, but he grabbed my shoulders, picked me up, and brought us both over to the couch. I squirmed, but he ignored me and laid himself across the couch with me on top. He held me still and my head was squashed partly on his chest and partly on that little open space between his head, his neck, and his shoulders. He pulled a golden blanket off the back of the couch and laid it over both of us.

"Edward let me go," I demanded.

He didn't speak.

"Edward, PLEASE let me go. You have no right to keep me here and I want to leave now!" He didn't listen. He started humming my lullaby and I was fighting my will to fall asleep and the fact that I wanted to leave his house. He wasn't having it.

"Bella, please listen to me. This is my fault. If I never left you…..this wouldn't have happened. I need to fix it. I need to make you better!"

"Well, Edward, please listen to ME. This IS your fault. However, I don't feel the need to give you any reparations. When you left, you knew that I wouldn't be happy and whistling show tunes wherever I went. You're not stupid and even if you don't know me as well as you do, you know me better enough than that. But my point is, this is what I DO. It's not 'a coping method.' It's not 'self-mutilation.' It's my life now. Regardless of whether or whether not you think that is healthy is not the point I am making."

"I can't let you go."

"Why not?"

"I am worried that you will hurt yourself."

"I probably will."

"That scares me."

"I don't care."

And I just got up and left.

_Later that week_

I didn't talk to Edward the entire time from when I left to the end of the next week. I moved from sitting next to him, to sitting as far away from him as I could in the classes we had together. He watched me wherever I went. He watched whomever I spoke to. I suspected he was listening to my words through their minds. I didn't care.

I didn't have any plans to take him back. Or to treat him differently than I was. I would like to love him again, but he wouldn't let me without the 'self-mutilation' being 'taken care of.' I wondered if Edward had to cancel my appointment with Brandon that afternoon when I left him.

I did cut that night. I cut a lot. I was worried about stitches, but I couldn't stand going down to see the hospital that night because I knew Carlisle would know about it, and Edward would probably make me live with him. Plus I wanted to keep this from Charlie.

I was getting ready for a day with Jacob Black- my new best friend ever since Edward first left me. Jacob and I have really hit it off and I always felt like I could tell him anything. He knew about Edward- EVERYTHING about Edward- and even thought I never talked about him that often with Jacob he still understood things that have never been mentioned.

I know that he probably knows about my arms, although I have never said anything to him about it. He figures a lot of that stuff out on his own sometimes. It's the way I act that gives him the clues and he is so perceptive he can put two-and-two together and figure it out.

I have always worn long-sleeved shirts in front of him, and I never roll them up even when he tells me that something we do might get them dirty. I swim at his beach with a long-sleeved cover-up dress on, and most importantly, there has been a time where he has asked me if he could see my arms and I refused. I think he knew then, but since I didn't talk to him until weeks after that incident he hasn't brought it up since. But I can tell he is worried about me. He is always asking how I am with much concern, and he always (ALWAYS) asks me if there is anything I would like to talk about with him. I have always turned him down.

'Hey Jake," I said. I was getting out of my car, and he was helping me.

"Hey Bell. How are you?" His eyes were looking straight at me. I was self-conscious.

"I'm okay. Same old, same old." I laughed darkly. He didn't laugh.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

I sighed. "Edwards' back." He growled. This news upset him.

"So I hear. Has he been…..I mean have you been………..are you both together?"

"No." The question he asked and my response together sounded wrong put that way. He let out a deep breath and relaxed next to me.

There was so much pain. I have been crying too much, and I hated seeming weak but I was afraid of running from him because I was crying. I sucked in my breath, bit my lip, and looked down. My throat had the burning feeling you get sometimes when you feel emotional pain like that. He saw me. We were walking around his house to get to his shed. But he stopped and lifted my chin up to look at his face.

"Bella?" He looked like crying, too. "Honey, I am SO SORRY. About EVERYHING that has happened to you. Has he said anything to make you upset? Sweetie, you don't deserve it if you did. Did he say something mean to you? I'll kill him."

My crying burst out. I stopped holding in my breath, and the air came back in frantically. I pushed myself into his chest to hide my face.

"Oh." He said dumbly as I sobbed.

I just realized right then what I had to do. Edward wanted me to get better. I was so sick of crying, and I did want him. Maybe it would be okay for me to get some help. I just couldn't have Brandon or Edward do it. I needed someone who I knew and trusted, but wasn't in love with. I needed Jacob. Jacob could help me.


	6. PLEASE READ IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE

Authors note

Hey guys,

Look I don't know if I will be continuing the story. I just haven't been getting that many reviews, and although I never wanted to be that writer that says R & R, if I keep on getting email alerts every 5 seconds saying that someone subscribed to me but didn't write a review, I just figure they don't really like it. A lot of authors have 'favorites' on their channels that aren't really favorites.

And also, I don't really know what I am doing with this story. I'll have to think about it. I wanted to do like a Jacob-Bella-Edward confrontation, but I don't know if I can make it good.

I will not put this on 'indefinite hold' because I do not want the little fans I do have to be annoyed with me. If I continue the story, then I will finish it and the next chapter will be up by next Monday at 5 PM. Most likely I will choose to continue, but I HAVE TO THINK. Any PMs with comments are welcome. If you give me a good idea, I will dedicate the chapter to you.

Also, do any of you non-writers out there know how LONG it makes to make my chapters? God, like an hour. For 4 pages on Microsoft word! I am not even a fast typer!

Also, this is for a lot of people who have sent me PM's about this subject. I have been sober from cutting for 2 years, after an extreme addiction for 3 years before that. I started when I was 11. I stopped when I was 14. And I have been sober for 2 years. There was a lot of familial troubles, and some of which a lot of you can't understand if I were to explain because you haven't been through it. And if you haven't been through it, god blesses you.

This story is for all the people in the world use cutting as a way to escape from pain. Erase emotional pain with the physical pain. You do it because it's not an addiction, it's not a hobby, it's honestly your way of staying alive. And without it, you feel dead. And numb. But with cutting…….I can't describe it. It's like telling yourself everything is going to be okay, but when you start bleeding you just look at the blood and realize that you are so unbelievably messed up. Depressing, but I want people to know. To honestly know what it is about. Anyone who knows what I am talking about, please write a pm or a review about this. I wanna know how many of you I can relate myself…..and Bella to.


	7. I'M CONTINUING!

Hey Guys,

I'm continuing my story! I'm excited! I know EXACTLY what to do, and my next chapter is long, eventful and I really like it. It is already finished, but I can't put it on right now because I am on my other computer and my laptop (where I typed it) is kinda not with me right now (haha). So do you want it by 8 tonight, or tomorrow at 5.


	8. Lovely Compromise

**Hey guys. Just wanted to say that last night before I was about to go to sleep I realized a big thing about this story- and I know where I am going with it. It WILL continue from now on, and I WILL finish it (and I won't be one of those authors who is excited about their story and writes and writes and gets to this big climax and stops. grr I hate that. Also, I will be adding a 'chapter' after this one that will be entirely on cutting- and I will explain why Bella feels like it would be of a release to her through my own memoirs, and psychological fact. It's to help understand what Bella AND Edward are feeling, why, and the actual ways that are used to stop cutting. I recommend ANYONE who is reading this story and keeping up with it to read that page. It WILL help, and I want this story to seem realistic to you as an alternative to post- NM. It will be a 1****st**** for a "Bella is cutting!" story. I think I am putting it in mainly because I am so sick of hearing about cutting both through these fan fictions and real life especially since it is so commonly misportrayed. Also, I want ANY feelings/comments toward this story (or if you have home problems or cutting problems) to be PM'ed to me. You CAN review them, but if it is private then I want to respect your privacy. I'm your BFF that you have never met ******** and I will be HAPPY to listen to your feelings at home or advice. And of course if you like my story, can you plz take the 10 secs and review them to me (say L.O.V.E it or something stupid). And now for the actual story…….**

**Oh also, I don't think the Brandon character will exist in my story anymore. Maybe he will do like a 'guest appearance,' but I wanted something DIFFERENT than the typical "Bella is cutting" story. So the psychologist will probably NOT be a role anymore. I only put him in in the beginning because I thought he was going to be but I changed my mind.**

I drove back to Edwards's house after I had said goodbye to Jake. I didn't tell Jacob my plan, and I was waiting to see what Edward would say. I was going to find out whether Edward would even approve. I drove into Edward's driveway, and turned off the engine. I closed my eyes, and tried to shake off some nerves. I desperately wanted him back, but I knew that he wouldn't just let me continue this. He would want me to get help, like he is trying to do now.

I walked up to the front door (once I was finished nerve-shaking) and was about to knock, but the door opened before I had a shot to, and I was pulled into the embrace of Esme. Her lips pressed into my hair as she dry sobbed. I saw that Carlisle and Alice appeared behind her, but Edward was nowhere in sight.

"I need to see Edward." I blurted out when she was finished hugging me.

"Bella," Alice spoke, "He's locked himself in his room since you left him. He's kinda….er…..self-loathing. Just a tad. It IS Edward. He is really missing you."

I walked upstairs slowly, one step at a time. My mind was telling me "Run! Run!" but my heart wanted to see him. I paused outside his room. I heard Evanescence playing- one of my favorite songs (A/N this is actually my favorite song. It's the #1 played song on my iPod- 562 times) - on his speaker.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my_

_Childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_Cuz your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone!_

I stood there swaying, listening to the music and I started singing alone with it. It came to be the chorus and that is when I realized that it could be about our life when we aren't together. It is mostly in my own point of view, but when it came to be Edwards' I truly recognized that it WAS us.

_When you'd cry_

_I'd wipe away all your tears_

_When you'd scream_

_I'd fight away all of your fears_

_But you still have_

_All of me_

My eyes were closed and wet spaces were formed above my cheeks, but just barely. I was singing, and I was singing well. My voice matched hers. I knew what she was talking about. Edward knew what she was talking about. She MUST have been talking about us.

Then, the door opened. I opened my eyes. Edward was there in a gray t-shirt and black roll-up sweatpants. I've never seen him in sweatpants before. His hair was messier than usual. He looked like he had just gotten up from sleeping, but that couldn't have been it.

"Hey," I said.

"Bella," he said. Simply. He just said my name. That was all.

"I. Um……Edward. I came to talk to you. I need to talk to you."

He nodded. His eyes looked worried, happy, dark and very curious at the same time.

"Edward….I. I'm _so sorry_." And just then a mountain of tears just fell onto my cheeks and my knees felt weak. Edward had pulled me into his circle of arms and held me close. He didn't say anything, he just held me, supporting me. I finished crying a couple of moments later, and I backed out of his arms unwillingly to look into his eyes. I couldn't just _forgive _him. If I did, he would just make things go back to the way they were.

"Edward, look. " He did look. He was matching my gaze, and even though I had backed up away from him, one of his arms was still wrapped around my waist. "When you were gone….I couldn't function. I shut down from the world. Did you know that Charlie, for the first time since I was a small child, started putting his gun away in his safe up in his room to keep me away from it? I was so scared that something else was going to hurt me, and at that point I was so fragile the slightest thing could have made me crack like an egg. I didn't realize any of it then, and I am only now realizing some of it. But Edward, when I cut myself, it wasn't a hobby. It wasn't an addiction. It was my life because without it I don't know what life I could have had. It KEPT me alive. And I am so scared that if I stop now, and you leave again……what if it doesn't work anymore? What if I don't feel anything from it anymore? Edward, I am so scared of what may happen then. I……I don't know. I just don't know if I CAN."

"I'm not going to leave you."

"NOW. You say that NOW. Edward you DON'T know that. But I DO know that if THAT were to happen, I could lose my life by you wanting to me to stop doing this to myself. I don't want to stop. And at the same time, I do want to stop. You don't understand. You don't underst-."

"-Bella, I DO understand."

"NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!" I screamed. "You THINK you know things that you DON'T! You thought that leaving was the best idea. Looking back now, WAS it a good idea? Was it another brilliant plan of the brilliant Edward Cullen? You're smarter than this Edward!"

"Bella, I…I am so sorry. I have no idea. You're right. I have no idea. But I am so sorry. I want you more than you can imagine. I want you to be with me. I want….us again."

I touched my hair, and I turned around and got out of his grasp and eye contact. However, something did surprise me. When I turned around, I saw Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett staring at me from 100 yards down the hall. Their mouths were in the "O" position and they all looked shocked. I knew that they could hear every word out of my mouth- every heartbeat pulsing inside of me. I turned back around. Edwards' expression was completely shocked and hurt.

"What if we compromised?" I said.

"What?" he asked.

"What if we decided something that worked between us?"

"You want to compromise your mental health?" he asked doubtfully.

"Well, do YOU have a better plan? Since you seem to come up with plenty of those!" I snapped.

"Okay." Was all he said.

We ended up being sprawled on the couch together a couple of minutes late in awkward silence. He had turned the music off. We hadn't started 'compromising' yet.

"You know that song you were playing earlier by Evanescence?"

"My Immortal?"

"yeah."

"What about it?"

"It's one of my favorite songs."

"Mine too." Edward said. "There is something about it. I can't expl-"

"-She wrote it for us."

"Excuse me?"

"Edward, she wrote it…..for us. She HAD too. It is our life. When you are gone, it is how I feel. She is singing it. It is in my point of view. The song is called 'my immortal.' She is talking about her immortal. It's me! And then the chorus, I swear that she is singing in your point of view. You know…."

He shook his head. I started singing.

_When you'd cry_

_I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream_

_I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have_

_All of me_

He sung the next verse with me.

_You used to captivate me_

_By your-_

_Resonating light_

_Now I'm bound by_

_The life you left behind_

_Your face, it haunts_

_My once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice, it chased away_

_All the sanity in me_

And we both stopped at that line.

"It's how I felt too, you know."

"Edward, if I talked to you and Jacob……could I skip seeing Brandon? Or Carlisle? Please. I can't stop right now."

"You'd have to promise me that you would ACTUALLY TRY to get better."

"I don't……I don't know if I can."

"And that Is why you need to talk to someone."

"I have you. I have Jacob. I have everyone I need."

"Do you think you could talk to Carlisle sometimes?"

"I don't know."

"Would you give it a chance?"

I didn't respond.

"Please, Bella."

"Okay."

"Good."

I slept at Edwards' that night. Alice had told Charlie that I was having a sleepover with her. But I swear, that night as I was going to sleep, I heard his angelic voice singing underneath me and I felt his chest moving.

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

_When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your tears_

_And you should held my hand_

_Through all of these years_

_But you still have_

_All of me_

**AUTHORS NOTE: **OKAY, this is when the story begins! R&R and PM please! K More coming soon! Also, how did you like the length of this chapter? Too long?


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